What are the signs that the relationship is not working anymore?

Updated on the 11th of January 2023

You don't want to spend time together

There are people who avoid spending time with their partner when their relationship is in crisis, who prefer to be with family or friends, or who find excuses not to go home and find the other person.

Elena: Throughout life as a couple, times, when we feel like spending time with other people, can arise. It doesn't have to be negative either. Now, if this time spent with other people is done more or less consciously so as not to spend time with your partner, we have to sit down and try to think about it and see why this is happening to us. We may not have fun like we used to, or feel uncomfortable for a specific reason or something that has happened, etc.

Leticia: Yes, it is very likely that in times of crisis we will experience emotions such as anger, disappointment, fatigue, and grief. And one way to avoid feeling all of these sensations is to distract yourself. Being with other people, friends or family is an easy way to do this.

It is difficult for you to remember what unites you

When it comes to leisure, the way of thinking, the sense of humor ... things that unite you but that you no longer feel. You do not want to do certain activities together and you do not agree.

Elena: It seems that over the years, what originally brought us together is diluted. It is also the fruit of time itself, of the experiences and mutual knowledge that are acquired. It is important to keep in mind that in difficult times, or when difficulties or a lack of understanding arise, it is normal to feel all of this. What is important is being able to stay calm and feel that this person is the same one we have fallen in love with. It happened for a reason.

Leticia: Of course, when we feel this cocktail of emotions derived from a monotonous couple situation, or a crisis, we don't want to share time with that person. Sometimes we take advantage of our hobbies to get away from it all. It also happens that, although one of the two makes the effort and offers to do something new or knows that they have shared and that they like to do together, the other does not want to go. , and if this is repeated over and over, it is easy for everyone to start doing their own activities.

You can't come to an agreement when chatting

Arguments get nowhere, or you argue badly. Arguments are also used to make deals and move forward on aspects of the relationship, but this is no longer the case because neither of them wants to compromise.

Elena: As we said before, it is very important to know how to discuss well when we are in a relationship. Put yourself in the other's shoes, make yourself understood. That is to say, to achieve good communication, based on love and the desire to make ourselves understood and understood the other. If this is not possible over time, there may be a reason in conflict situations to want to end the relationship. Because the two members of the couple will have the impression that they are not understood and that there is no will to work things out.

Leticia: When we are in a period where there have been several consecutive arguments, we start to be overwhelmed and angry because of this build-up, and we can decide not to give in because we are tired of doing it all the time. , or because the other doesn't deserve it, and it becomes a battle. It can also happen that in an argument, one does not follow the other, move directly on, ignore them, or give them a reason to avoid even having a conversation to defend different points of view.

Affectionate gestures have disappeared

Although there are couples and people who are not affectionate, there are always certain details that show love, from "I love you" to a good morning kiss, to an unexpected gift. If you don't feel like paying attention to these little things anymore, you need to think about why.

Elena: The subject of details is complicated. For some people, it's an extension of "I love you", "I care about you" or "I take care of you". And with these small gestures, I show it explicitly. Other people don't need these more tangible expressions to show their love. Now, if we are a caring person and feel that this does not come to us spontaneously, we need to think about what is going on. Maybe we're just tired and it takes some effort. Maybe also once we're in a stable relationship, we lower that level of alert, we somehow adapt. It is important to listen to yourself and see why this is happening.

Leticia: Small gestures are a sign of affection, love and being there. It is trying to want to please the other. When we lose interest or our partner has lost it, it's a sign that something is wrong. Maybe it's a crisis or the monotony we're stuck as a couple, and it indicates that we need to fix things up and take a step forward, whether it's to leave the relationship or to fix what's going on. .

You don't feel like having sex

Whether it's because you've lost the chemistry or the desire, or because you're hiding bigger issues (sometimes the two go hand in hand).

Elena: The erotic in the couple changes as we move forward in our relationship. We need to be aware of this and it's a great idea to speak up, as desires and stimuli change. If we put that aside, we must feel like we don't want to meet our partner on this level. From my perspective, this would be one of the most striking signs to consider.

Leticia: When you live in a crisis or a phase when things are not going well, the sexual plan often fails. There is a study that says that women, after having an argument or an episode that caused them discomfort, need 24 hours to feel like having sex with their partner again. She also says that for men, it's just three minutes.

You have no future plans

You are together, but you are unable to visualize what situation you might be in a few years, or just imagine nothing with this person. Being unable to plan for the future, even in the medium term, can be worrying.

Elena: It may be due to a difficulty in establishing committed relationships. Sometimes the two people take very different life paths, which makes the relationship very complicated and difficult to reconcile. Having plans together is good for the couple as long as both are involved and create illusion and desire in them. This is not necessarily what is imposed socially, such as getting married or having children. Not getting married and not having children can also be an equally valid long-term joint decision.

Leticia: Not having a vision for the future or a common project is a key sign that something is wrong. It's an unequivocal indication that you don't feel attached to this person and don't see them in your future because you don't want them to be there.

You care more about its flaws than its virtues.

Whether you have changed or lost the chemistry and common interests, faults weigh heavier on the scale than virtues.

Elena : When we only see negative things in our partner, it could mean that something is wrong. It is a good exercise to try to think of the moment this happens to us or the root of the event where we start to feel like this. Sometimes the scales are misleading, because one quality can balance ten negative things. Ultimately, that's part of the love, and part of the bet we make when we decide to be with a person. The problem arises when we don't see anything positive in each other.

Leticia: I have seen in a lot of couples that when they go through a bad patch, their minds focus on the negative aspects or what they don't like about the other person, whether it is physical or moral (negative aspects). questions of values, behavior, tastes ...). It's a vicious cycle of negativity. Concentrating on this point makes us feel irascible and makes it easier to discuss.

You think there is something better out there

You fantasize about another life and other people

Elena : Dissatisfaction is a common characteristic of all of us. It usually stems from the needs that we create for ourselves and sometimes it is related to a deeper discomfort or to past experiences.When we are in a relationship, if each of us is not good about ourselves and does not have clear desires, emotions, it is possible that we will reflect all this frustration on our partner. If the idea that we are missing something is recurring and conditions our current relationship, maybe we should stop and think about what we expect from it and if we are going to get to this place with the person we are with. . Or if we fail to achieve that goal, it doesn't matter who we are with.

Leticia: When that happens, it's because you disconnect from your partner. That doesn't mean you can't reconnect, but the discomfort you feel makes you notice what you think is best. It is easier for the mind to let go of something that can hurt if we generate a new illusion that we can focus on. It is a form of self-delusion to escape what we feel about the other.

You don't tell yourself when something makes you happy or sad

Talking about priority is difficult, but your partner is usually one of the first people you turn to when something good or bad happens to you. It's not like that now.

Elena : It usually starts with a lack of communication, a lack of understanding. When we say something happy and they don't show us the affection or emotion that we would like, it is difficult for us to share it again. The same goes for difficult or sad things. If we don't find the support or understanding that we are looking for, it is difficult for us to try again.

Leticia : You feel disconnected from your partner, you don't want to share either the good or the bad, or at least one of these two areas. It can be because you have had enough, because you don't want to talk or share, or because it can be a matter of debate. If we have a tense situation, a different opinion may cause an argument, or we may even think that the other may use it against us.

You don't trust yourself to explain all this to him

Even though you used to have privacy and communication, you are now unable to tell that there is a problem, either because there is no trust or because you don't even want to solve it.

Elena : We see each other a lot right now without really knowing how we got there. Sharing this uncertainty with our partner, sharing the emotions and feelings that arise, and being honest with ourselves, is a key point in dealing with this situation. If we are unable to deal with these issues as a couple, it might be a good idea to ask for help or try talking to a couples therapist to get a consensual and friendly solution for both of you.

Leticia : A lot of things come into play. First of all, how to deal with each other's problems. There are those who tend to look away and wait for things to explode or for a change to be called for, and also those who can be comfortable staying like this for a long time - they are comfortable because they know their partner and have an organized life, or for some of the children, a business ... Another important aspect: the fear of change, which can happen after separation.